Joke Marathon

[g0ldman]

Anybody have any clean jokes? Reply to this topic with some good knee-slappers.

[johnb]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a beer and a mop."

[KLH]

I jus got this from my Mom today, it's not THAT funny, but it is a joke non the less.

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos. . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. "
"Wow, " said the blonde, "that's amazing. . . I'm going to buy it! "

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. What's that? " he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

The boss inquires, "What do you have in it? "

The blonde replies, "Two Popsicles and some coffee"

[y6y6y6]

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a . . . Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[g0ldman]

A man walks into the bar, and sits at a stool. He leans over the bar and asks the bartender "Do you want to here a blonde joke?"

"Before you go telling your joke, I thought I might tell you. That man over there in the corner is a 400 pount sumer wrestler. The man beside you works for the army and carries and loaded gun everywhere he goes. That man over there is holding a pool que and is beside lots of small marbel projectiles. I'm also blonde, and I have a refile under the bar. Are you sure you want to tell your joke?" The bartender replied.

"Nah." The man replied. "Not if I'll have to explain it 4 times!!!"

He ran.

[y6y6y6]

pount, sumer, que, marbel, refile..........

I was expecting a different punchline..........

[g0ldman]

How many elves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None! There's no lightbulbs in middle earth!

[vanselus]

Originally posted by g0ldman
Anybody have any clean jokes? Reply to this topic with some good knee-slappers.

Define clean

You know, this thread is going to get spammed up the waz.


Here's my classic:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[uhsites]

This burglar is breaking into a house at night. Sneaking around he suddenly hears: "Jesus is watching you!" The burglar is shocked, ducks down, remains silent for a while, but nothing happens.
After a minute or so he decides to continue his search for the jewelry, so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little louder and more like a warning: "Jesus is still watching you!"

"Good heavens!" he thinks, "What's going on here?" He still doesn't dare to use his torch though.

Silently he strafes backward and again -and really loud this time-: "Jesus is *really* watching you!" Okay, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his Maglite.

After a little looking around he detects this parrot.

Burglar: "A parrot?"
Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"
Burglar: "You can talk pretty well!"
Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age."
Burglar: "Phew that's not bad! You live here?"
Parrot: "Yup!"
Burglar: "Gosh, I really thought something weird was going on here!
What's your name?"
Parrot: "Henry."
Burglar: "Henry? That's a weird name for a parrot."
Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler!"

[g0ldman]

Just use common sense on the clean part.

Here's another joke that my bro told me:

What side of the horse is the cleanest?

The inside!

[uhsites]

What side of a horse has the most hair?

The oustide!

[vanselus]

Love the parrot joke!

Here's one:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attatched to his merchandise. The bartender says, "Hey man, do you know you have a steering wheel attatched to your merchandise?"

The pirate says, "Arr, and it's been driving me nuts all day!"

[vanselus]

On the last day of his trip, a priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of
a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner.

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no! , no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning the Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was memorable, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You mother f****** are my kind of people!"

[vanselus]

and this is a classic!

[vanselus]

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[Viper007Bond]

Originally posted by vanselus
Here's my classic:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

That one cracked me up.

[Viper007Bond]

Originally posted by vanselus
Here's one:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attatched to his merchandise. The bartender says, "Hey man, do you know you have a steering wheel attatched to your merchandise?"

The pirate says, "Arr, and it's been driving me nuts all day!"

Yeah, that one's great. LOL

[Viper007Bond]

This one is evil:

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: “Make ‘em all ugly again.”

[Viper007Bond]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".

"The blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Viper007Bond]

My dad sent me these:
[list=1][*]Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
[*]One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
[*]Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
[*]The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
[*]I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[*]What if there were no hypothetical questions?
[*]If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
[*]If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
[*]Is there another word for synonym?
[*]Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
[*]What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
[*]If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
[*]Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
[*]Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
[*]If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
[*]Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
[*]If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
[*]Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
[*]How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
[*]What was the best thing before sliced bread?
[*]One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
[*]Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
[*]Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
[*]How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ????
[*]If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
[*]If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
[*]If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
[*]Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
[*]Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
[*]Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
[*]Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
[*]If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
[*]Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?[/list=1]